Monthly Archives: March 2007
I had agreed to marry the wrong man.
It’s not something that I really ever enjoy discussing. I would much rather avoid that particular subject altogether, since it has the annoying tendency to open back up the wounds and deepen them. But since you’ve succeeded in ripping off that particular scab for me, the least I can do is to continue.
I have had this journal for a while now. Word has just gotten out that Livejournal will be offering permanent accounts again in the next few months for a limited time. I am debating whether or not it is worth it. I still am rather annoyed about the money I spent several years ago buying a permanent account over on Ancient Sites, and then two years later they folded in the dot bomb meltdown. When they reformed as Ancient Worlds, they comped us poor saps that had paid back in their old incarnation with a year of patron time on the new site.
Does anyone think it is worth it? Not worth it? Of course, they have not announced when or how much yet, but I am assured it is coming.
OOC: This is a review that I just wrote over at and also for Pan Historia over on my own blog there.
NON-FICTION : “Plants of Love: The History of Aphrodisiacs, and A Guide to Their Identification and Use”, by Christian Ratsch, 1997 10 Speed Press, ISBN 089815-928-8 $19.95 (US)
CONTENT: Christian Ratsch has done it again with his wonderfully illustrated guide to yet another aspect of all things herbal. He pulls together the appropriate amounts of history, monographs including pictures that would help someone identify the plant in the wild. There are over a thousand plants that through history have been or are still being used as aphrodisiacs, and Ratsch rarely shies away from the frank discussion of any of them. He presents the information both interesting and shares enough knowledge to be of interest to the layperson, the Witch, as well as the scholar or the practising herbalist.
cut to spare the friends list
I am not one to be riddled by any kind of guilt whatsoever. Be that as it may, I could not resist the
cajoling invitation of my friends, Hsu Danmei and Jackie Burkhart.
|Guilt||What is yours?||Explain yourself|
|Culinary:||Indian food||I love food with alot of curry, cardamom or garam masala. I cannot resist the taste of aromatic spices!|
|Literary:||Sun Tsu’s “The Art of War”, Machiavelli’s “The Prince”||I am convinced if more people lived their lives by the works of these two authors, the world would be a much better place.|
|Audiovisual:||Bollywood movies||They are completely silly and pointless, but everyone in them looks happy, sings and dances and they all dress very well.|
|Musical:||Mozart||What more can one say? It’s Mozart.|
|Celebrity:||Gerard Butler||I just saw that movie ‘300’. The lead role reminds me of someone, but I just cannot seen to place who that might be…..|
to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.
I just saw FIFTEEN (15) bald eagles circling over my house!
Heh…I LOVE where I live! 😉
Yes, there is. And for the inability to not have done that, I sometimes feel as if there is a hole inside the very centre of me. It is as if there is an emptiness that is so raw that it sometimes burns to the point where it will consume me whole. I wake up and I dream of that love that I once had with Sebastien. It was a love that even time could not erase nor replace. Every angel, every daemon stood stock still and didn’t dare to breathe for fear it would evaporate in a single moment; and I swear that it must have. All I ever wanted was just want someone to love me; and he was that someone. No mother, no father, no other lover, not even the Divine came close to that love. Maybe I’ve already had all of the happiness in my life that I ever can have. I don’t want to believe it, but the time is past. I often wake up remembering that sweet dream, only to realize that Sebastien is gone. There is only me and the memory of what once was, and that a part of me died with him that day.
“You said you’d love me forever!” I cried, my fingers traced a line through the blood that spilled from the gash in his throat. His blood mingled with my tears, and I wanted to will him back. ‘How much is enough? ‘I wanted to scream. But only sobs wracked my body as my lips brushed across the curve of his neck.
“Please, please, don’t leave me!” I whispered; as if my will alone could bring him back. But I couldn’t. My biggest mistake was loving a man with a reputation, a history. Never mind that this history, this reputation had nothing to do with who and how I knew that he was. From the moment we laid eyes upon each other, I knew – and he said he knew, too – that we were two halves of the same whole. We were nearly inseparable from that time, for years to come. We were happy, and those things of his reputation that he was known for mattered not. Gone was the murderous man who was bent only on vengeance. Gone.
Lest you think otherwise, let me assure you that nothing could have assuaged my grief where Sebastien’s death was concerned. A part of me will always be numbed and tucked away, wounded, bleeding and angry that I could do nothing to stop it. Not even in my love of him was to stop what he and I both knew was a painful inevitability. There were those who warned me not to traverse the slippery slope of the emotion of love, that I would lose too much of myself, forget the potential of who I was, what I had been or who and what I could become.
All I knew is that I loved him. I loved him beyond all reason, and it was because of that reason that my grief caved upon me like a thousand ton monolith burying me within it for many years to come. I bought the linen and made his burial shroud with my own hand. Every stitch I put in it was sewn with my tears in between. Even after he was lain to rest and his grave had gone to green, the sense of loss did not subside. I’ve spent the last five centuries missing him wishing there was something I could have done to have saved his life that day.
Muse: Fanny Fae
Fandom: Original Character
I cannot escape Frances MacKay, aka Faelyn or Fanny Fae. She is closely based on my ancestor, Frances Moira MacKay, of Clan MacKay in Scotland. As such, Fanny,is one of my akhu or ancestors. That lilting Scot’s brogue of hers has been “in my head” for a while now. Roughly I would say that it has been since about 1998 or thereabouts. And sometimes she has been there more vociferously than at other times. She always has had a clarity that all of my other characters have lacked. That may be due to the fact that she is somewhat based off of an ancestor, as well as being a product of my very active imagination.
Then sometime later, on a Sunday afternoon, I actually heard her voice on the radio……
A long time ago, I once said that I never allowed myself to be disappointed. I had said that disappointment meant failure and that if you allowed for disappointment, you had resigned yourself to that failure. I also said that if you do that, you got exactly what you deserved.
Perhaps it is a little to admit to it, but this is not the first time, nor do I suspect that it would be my last in admitting that perhaps I was wrong in that assertion.
I used to think that there was much in my life that I wanted. When I was small, I had the most basic things taken away from myself and I confess I did as well as I might given the tools that I had been given. I looked around me and saw others who had the things that others had that I desired – power, pleasure and the ability to profit by all of these things was what it meant to live a whole and complete life. I took what I wanted, made those around me bend both neck and knee, but there was the disappointment. Make no mistake, I know what it is to feel disillusion through defeat or the the death of loved one. All of these things have dealt their blows over the centuries, but I have still remained.
While I do still hold that there is always more than a single way to bring about any given result. It is the means by which we set about achieving that thing which leads to disappointment. Attachment to the way that an outcome evolves can often be more of a struggle than to just let go. Certainly we can foretell the future if we keep that direct involvement in creating the future for oneself.
At least, that is to say, I want to still believe that it is true. And if I focus on those things which I still do have, such as my children, the Throne of the Fortunate Island and the strength that has carried me this far, rather than those things which I have lost, the disappointments and disillusionment really doesn’t account for all that much.
MuseL Fanny Fae / Faelyn
Fandom: Original Character/ Folklore / Mythology
Word Count: 341