What keeps you up at night?

hat keeps me up at night does not have anything to do with any sort of act that I have come to be ashamed of for having done. My loss of sleep will on more ocassions than not has more to do with matters of State, rather than the careful attentions of a lover. Would that I could actually be the hedonistic despot that I sometimes get accused of being.

I carry much more that I do not talk about. It is little comfort to know that I cannot let down, even with those whom I love. A crown and a throne are heavy things to carry indeed. Suffice it to say that you can never take them off, nor ever put them down – not really. Add to this the fact that absolutely everyone who comes to you, from serf or slave to your closest advisors, they all will insist that their needs are great and must take precedence. Each of them may tend to see you as living a life of privlege and yet they do not realize that long after the lights go out in their own homes, you are still up at all hours, late into the night or the next day, tending to matters that effect them, too.

One of my consorts once confided to me that he thought there is not a more difficult position than to rule an entire country. Perhaps he was right. The steps you take and the decisions you determine would always be followed by ever-watchful eyes. That a ruler must place their country’s needs foremost, leaving themselves with nothing at the end of the day. “You might as well surrender your life,” he said with great sadness in his eyes, ” for there is no greater sacrifice. What is most discouraging is when you spend your life yielding for them only to receive a hateful backfire.”

It was a sweet sentiment for him to worry so about the hateful backfire that I might receive. But to be honest, I care little about that. What my people think of me is the least of my worries, and that part does not keep me up at night in the least. That I can continue to see that they have enough food, that our lands are prosperous, that our citizens are treated fairly and with dignity and that war is kept as far from their shores as possible, that is what I do it all for. These things alone are what keeps me sleepless on many more nights than I care to count.

Muse: Fanny Fae
Fandom: Original Character
Word Count: 431
cropssposted to


Filed under Uncategorized

5 responses to “What keeps you up at night?

  1. And yet you chose this path you undertook,ya Madame. The throne was something you reached out for hungrily. Did you ever imagine on the eve of your usurpation that the mantle you lusted so strongly for was so heavy?

    • I was prepared – I thought – to take on that responsibility. What is it they always say about desiring something is sometimes much better than attaining it? I am not sorry I attained it, but it does make for lonely nights.

      You and I have talked about this before. Was it you who was preparing me for who was about to enter my life under the pretense of being a teacher of alchemy and ancient wisdom, my friend?

      • You were already well-educated in those areas for the mostpart, ya Madame. We exchanged information about those things. My true mission was to prepare you. The Old Ones who are your people are immortal, too, but in a different way.

        How are your children – especially your son?

  2. *his lip quirks into a weak, knowing smile while he listens*

    Your consort must have observed many rulers from afar. A double-edged sword it sounds; where it can be exhausting but fulfilling within the same moment. Does the service you provide for your country fill the barren enough when it leaves you dry of a gentle touch from your lover?

    • *locked to Athos*

      Truthfully? No. But I do comfort myself with the adages about ‘service’, and ‘sacrifice’ and ‘it’s all for the good of the people’. I am a strong person, Athos, but I am still a person in need of gentleness, in need of touch, and in need of someone who understands and I can at last let down with. In a court, no matter the closed door or the curtain, the eyes are ever-watchful.

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